Posts tagged: thomas kincaid

25 Things Dick Cheney Hates

dickDear Tom,
I’m don’t remember having a great-nephew named Van Deusen, but my wife vaguely remembered you.  Your letter said you needed 25 things, I’ll assume you meant 25 things I hate.  Stay in school,

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25 Things I Hate:
1. Mondays.
2. Computer Internet.
3. My grandchildren.
4. Those who say Norman Rockwell or Thomas Kincaid isn’t real art.
5. Checks and balances.
6. Electric cars, toothbrushes and trollies.
7. Multi-Race Drinking Fountains.
8. People who drink and drive nowadays.  Back when I was a youth, it was a gentleman’s sport.  These kids in their hoot’n’holler-mobiles have no idea what they’re doing.
9. Hitler.  He ruined it for all of us.
10. Secretaries with the clap.
11. Insufficient massages.
12. Gay pride parades.
13. My lesbian daughter.
14. Modern abortions.  Back when I was a kid it was a personal experience between a girl and her coat-hanger.
15. The smell of poor people.
16. That hair pieces are out of style.
17. That guy who yelled at me for stomping on ants outside of the White House.
18. Bikes with wheels that are the same size.
19. The movie “In & Out”, more like DAMNED TO HELL!
20. The Bible.  I wish it was 9,000,000 pages long and written in a language that only rich people could understand.
21. That rape is a crime even if you have a lot of money.
22. People expecting me to dress myself.  That’s what servants are for, dammit!
23. The Emancipation Proclamation.
24. Women’s suffrage.
25. The bullshit Jesus said in the Bible.

Copyright Tom Van Deusen 2014.