Safety

Safety is of utmost importance for you as a parent.  Your child is always at risk of hurting themselves irreversibly, making them utterly useless and increasing your parenting workload exponentially.  It’s like owning a lawnmower; you simply can not fill it with gasoline, you must oil it, tighten any loose parts, and make sure that goddamned neighbor kid never, ever touches it.  Child safety has come a long way, and it’s easier than ever to protect, and even over protect your child’s precious brain and weed-pulling arm.  By taking these simple precautions, it will ensure that your child will have the mental agility to argue over your will and the physical strength to change your diaper in your golden years.

Helmets

Kids love wearing helmets.  They not only look cool, but they also protect their precious intellect.  Since the invention of the visor, a helmet can pass for a fashionable hat, and your tween will be begging to wear one, if only to fit in with their peers.  However, the heat generated from thermal insulation can damage brain cells as well, so it is best to limit helmets to the following activities:

• Riding a bicycle
• Riding in a car (which goes 300,000 times faster than a bicycle)
• Picking a fight
• Walking fast
• Solving an especially complicated math problem
• Rollercoasters

Terrorists

In this post-9-11 society, the threat of a terrorist attack is a reality.  We are in a constant, never-ending state of war, and this goes doubly for your child.  Your tween stands the risk of being a victim of terrorism, or worse, being recruited into the various terrorist training camps popping all over our great country.  Imagine the shame and embarrassment that would come from your son or daughter hijacking their school bus; it’s worse than them growing up to be a performance artist!  So before going to school, be sure to slip a miniature pamphlet of the United States Constitution into their back pocket, because there’s nothing terrorists fear more than liberty. If they come to your son or daughter with the intention to terrorize, your tween can whip out their Constitution, and they will run in fear because they are truly cowards and will probably jump into traffic, never to terrorize again.

Prayer

Everyone knows that prayer makes an excellent emergency contraceptive, however, few know that it can also protect children already brought into this world. Before your tween and their buddies go down to Blind Man’s Curve to play chickens with semi trucks, shoot out a quick prayer, and know that divine powers will create a holy bubble around your child, enough to deflect bullets and derail a train (kids love hanging out in train yards for some reason).  When the media inevitably comes knocking on your door because your little precious baby was the only survivor amongst all of their friends after The Accident, make sure to thank God on-camera, because that shit totally gets God geeked.

Elbow Pads

The purpose of an elbow pad is a bit deceiving; honestly, when was the last time you scratched your elbow and did it really hurt that bad?  Nay, the purpose of an elbow pad, when combined with a helmet, mouth guard, wrist guard and knee pad is to up the dork ante and make your son or daughter a social pariah.  When your tween is outcasted because they look like gigantic doofuses, their lack of friends will prevent them from Risky Social Behavior.  While their friends try to emulate stunts from action movies or have battery-swallowing competitions, your tween will be alone in their room, safely sulking and writing bad, self pitying poetry.

Handguns

Since the Columbine Massacre in 1999, it has become much more difficult for your tween to carry a handgun to school.  Despite the irony of that an appropriately armed student would be able to stop the massacre from even happening and be labeled a hero and given a free college education, more and more schools are adopting unconstitutional, nanny state legislation to keep guns out of schools.  However, the government can not take the guns out of home schooling!  So while other kids are happily skipping to school to be entirely brainwashed, your tween can sit at a desk in your garage, learning about survival tactics and gun maintenance.  And when the government comes knocking on your door for not following their bogus “curriculum”, you can show your tween how to make their own sovereign nation, right in their own back yard.  They will then have to defend it, just like this country’s blessed forefathers.

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